you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
