the new term for farting is butt boxing.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
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