when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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