Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
