covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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