Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
