Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
