A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
