you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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