he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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