I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
