we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
