3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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