You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
