Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
