Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
