I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
