I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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