This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Just invented taco cereal.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
