i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
