70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
