I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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