I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
