they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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