I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
