More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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