I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
