I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
