I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
