My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
