it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
