Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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