He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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