I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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