I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
This is classic penis vs brain.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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