we have officially mastered the walk of shame
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
