His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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