you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
