No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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