dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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