I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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