I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
