apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
We got so high we made milksteak
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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