matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
