Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
