He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
