So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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