How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
