i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
