he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
