I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
