I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
