I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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