oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
