I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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