I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
