my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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